Sensitivity Training– Break a Masturbation Rut!

When it comes to masturbation, you can never have too much of a good thing. You can, however, get a little too dependent on self-stimulation, or fall into the habit of finishing in only one way. This can make it harder to finish with a partner, or harder to achieve orgasm overall. But don’t worry! While this can be a frustrating problem, it doesn’t have to be a permanent one. Let’s talk about sensitivity training–and not the workplace variety which, spoiler alert: is unlikely to actually fix any of the bigotry at the office. Sorry, HR.

I’m a Professional Hot Girl, Not a Doctor

This is the disclaimer part of the blog post where I remind you that I am, in fact, just a hot girl on the internet with plenty of sexual experience and insight. I am not a qualified medical professional, and my advice should be taken with that fact in mind. More serious or advanced problems, like impotence, numbness, painful sex, etc., should be discussed with your doctor. This post is meant to contain helpful suggestions around routine masturbation, not cures for medical conditions!

Happens to everyone!

No matter what genitals you have, what they look like, what their size is… this struggle is a universal one for those who partake in self-pleasure. There’s lots of reasons you might have fallen into a rut with your nut. 

  • You’ve been using the same toy at the same power level consistently
  • You’ve been single for a while and only using your hand to get off
  • Your masturbation habits need to be secret (ie you don’t live alone, and have to maintain your privacy, so you’ve started masturbating the quietest, most convenient way you know)
  • You’re unable to maintain a relaxing mindset in the presence of a partner/trying something new long enough to actually enjoy yourself

Basically, any situation that requires you to get off the same way, every time begins your brain’s process of making a habit. And when your experience with sex and release become a habit rather than a series of varied experiences, your brain will do the same thing with sexual arousal that it does for driving a car, entering the PIN on your debit card, and brushing your teeth– it’ll give the decision-making part of your brain a break and activate the parts that handle routines. It’s efficient for orgasm, but not the most exciting way to reach it!

So let’s start by breaking the habits you’ve formed around masturbation to see if shaking up the routine helps reinvigorate your sexual experience!

Add New Sensations

One easy way to change up your masturbation routine, if you’re not already using toys, is to try out a toy! If your dominant hand is cramping lately from working overtime, it might be time to embrace technology. I’m not just talking about vibrators, though! Even adding a static toy, like a dildo or masturbation sleeve, to your personal pleasure time, can change up your routine enough for you to have a novel and exciting experience.

Additionally, lubricants with warming or cooling properties add fun and new sensations to shake up the way you experience orgasm. My best experiences and my initial instincts lead me to suggest a cooling sensation for clitoral fun, and warming products for stroking the shaft of a penis. Adding a chill to the clit could be exciting, but start slow! You’d rather not find out it’s a sensation you don’t prefer by covering your most sensitive bits in it! Start by adding a little to the inside of your lower lip, which resembles the skin of the vulva in sensitivity and moisture, to try out the sensation before you head south with it. I recommend the warming lube to make the penis feel warm and enclosed. But those aren’t rules! Chilling the underside of the glans of the penis with lubricant could be an icy blast; warming up a clit and drawing circles around it with the finger sounds exciting, too. Try it all if you’re feeling adventurous!

Tread carefully if you have sensitivities! Adult products that promise these kinds of sensations can have some really specious ingredients. I recommend the ones Wicked makes, and they’re not even paying me to say that. I’ve personally tried a wide variety of their products, which are vegan (read: free of gelatin and therefore halal!) and cruelty-free, and they use ingredients I’m familiar with and trust to put on and in my body.

Change the Cues

Start simple! Just like the methods used for adjusting one’s sleep cycle or eating habits, change the environment where you have sexual release most often. If you usually do it in bed, try playing around in the shower! If you usually do it only in the dark, try some low lighting instead. Add music for mood. If it sounds like I’m suggesting you romance yourself… damn, maybe I am! Make it steamy for yourself, and make the experience around masturbation less like a chore, and more like a treat you’re giving to yourself. 

Even trying it at a different time of day can be a good start. If you’re usually a late-night wanker, try a little afternoon delight! Maybe you can wake and bake and rub one out for a change. If you usually give yourself a daily dose of self-love, step it up and try it twice for a change. Or, go the other way…

Take a Break

Skip the self-love session. How long can you go? One day? Two days? Decide on your next sesh ahead of time, a couple days away, and you might find that the building anticipation, coupled with the self-imposed denial, could make your next round a little more exciting. 

In addition to giving the sensitive parts of your body a break from stimulation, you can induce a kinky aspect in this method. You can add to the fun of your chastity by taking the orders of, say, a beautiful and brilliant Domme. The addition of punishment could make your t-break easier… or perhaps harder. Experienced kinksters could even go a step further and use chastity equipment.

Leave Your Usual Toys on the Shelf for a Bit

Powerful, vibrating wands of all sizes and varieties have facilitated a sexual revolution since Japanese company Hitachi blessed the world with them in 1968. I know, in my home, there is never a time where the wand isn’t plugged in and ready to use. Like Old Faithful, the wand can be relied upon to create a geyser. It’s easy to reach for, because it gets the job done– that’s why we all love it so much.

It’s important to destigmatize the use of vibrators, because they make sex and orgasm an accessible experience for so many. Vibrators are valid and excellent tools that should be used and enjoyed by everyone who wants to use them! Vibrators are a normal part of sex and masturbation.

It is also important, in destigmatizing their use, to discuss the best way to use vibrators! Part of that conversation is acknowledging that vibrators can cause sensitivity issues with regular use. This is not a bad or permanent problem; if we want to solve it, we have to discuss it.  

Using the same vibrator at a high setting with regularity is definitely a surefire way to have an orgasm! But if it’s the only way you’ve been getting off lately, you might be finding it’s the only thing that gets the job done anymore. You’re doing a great job meeting your needs! But if you’d like to expand your horizons, taking a little break from high-intensity vibrations could be a good start.

Similarly, if you’re regularly using a masturbation sleeve, try giving it a break if you’re looking to break a masturbation rut. Masturbation sleeves give the user complete control over the speed of penetration. It feels amazing! But using a sleeve at high speeds repeatedly can leave you only able to finish at high speeds of penetration, which can certainly enhance your stamina, but might make achieving orgasm harder to achieve overall. Again, not a bad or permanent problem. Just give the sleeve a break, and explore other ways to pleasure yourself!

Play Without Finishing (Alternatively: Release Your Expectations)

This is perhaps the most important piece of advice on this list! That’s why I’ve saved it for last. 

The best thing to do, if you’re having trouble achieving orgasm from falling into a masturbation rut, is to try new things without the expectation of finishing. While sexual release is often the reason we have sex and masturbate, it doesn’t have to be the end result. You can try something new, and even if it’s not your favorite thing, you still spent the time exploring yourself in a state of sexual arousal. Finishing doesn’t always have to be the goal!

Similarly, edging while masturbating can help you build tension that leads to more explosive orgasms. So if one session didn’t end with you coming, perhaps the next session, when you find something else that works (or even if you give in and fall back on your most faithful method, either way!) you’re likely to experience a more powerful release. This isn’t a hard and fast rule, of course, it’s simply something to try, as all of this is. 

What will you discover by trying these tips?

The fun of shaking up your masturbation routine, aside from the promise of attaining your goal of finishing with a variety of stimulation instead of just one kind, is that you might stumble into something you didn’t realize you enjoyed prior! Try any of the advice here that appeals to you, skip the bits that don’t seem to apply, and keep an open mind as you look for new ways to stimulate yourself. Remember, if you get frustrated by lack of progress, that progress in sexual self-discovery is measured only by how much you’re enjoying yourself, and how much you are learning. Enjoy the journey, and the eventual destination will be so much sweeter!

My Laziest Sex Positions feat. Phoenix Payn

We all might love to sing along to the songs that suggest riding on dong is all we like to do, and that we’re better at it than anyone else. But even the most experienced cowpoke gets sore thighs. Sometimes you get off the train from work and there’s a good dick/dildo waiting at home, but you’re just done with riding anything for the day. It’s okay, pard’ner. I’ve got you.

Here to help me demonstrate these positions (and get some dick) is local sexpot Phoenix Payn, a good friend of mine and a dedicated slutty bottom! Though we’ll be demonstrating these positions as two performers with vulvas, any of these positions can be adapted for your corresponding genitalia/relationship dynamic. For the positions that may include penetration, I will be the one wearing the harness.

Phoenix Payn, a petite model with long brown hair, poses with legs crossed, in an all-pink outfit that features a stocking cap that says, "Can we smoke weed in here?"
The lovely Phoenix, my longtime friend and favorite fuckbuddy!

Here are five ideas for sex positions that can help you get it on without getting exhausted!

Spooning to Fork

I don’t doubt you know this position, because it’s just so easy. I just wanted to remind you that it exists, it fucking rocks, and tell you about my favorite ways to get it done. This is a classic spooning position, with the penetrating partner in the position of “big spoon,” with their face to the back of the receiving partner in the “little spoon” position, being held from behind in a lying down position. The idea here is penetration from behind, with both parties lying down facing the same direction.

A petite model and a plus-sized model wearing a strap-on harness demonstrate a spooning position for the purpose of penetrative sex.
I think we’ve all gotten lazy and tried this position at least once. Then we probably came back for more, because’ it’s great!

This is going to go a whole lot more smoothly if the receiving partner lifts/receives assistance lifting their top leg (whichever one is closer to the ceiling and not on the bed) while initial penetration occurs. If you’re able, you’re welcome to keep your leg in the air, but it’s a little exhausting and the goal here is LAZY sex! Besides, there are benefits to the laziness: once you close your legs with your partner inside you, there’s an undeniable squeeze that your penetrating partner will love. If you can’t lift your leg or this method doesn’t work for you, try this variation to start off: the little spoon can bend/receive assistance to bend 90 degrees at the waist. This will shift the pelvis and make it easier to get inside. Once connected, the receiving partner can straighten up again to bring the intimacy of the position back into play.

A petite model and a plus-sized model wearing a harness demonstrate a variation of a spooning position for penetrative sex, where the receiving partner bends at the waist.
Have the receiving partner bend at the waist for a more optimal angle that will make penetration from behind easier.

This position puts a lot of the movement responsibility on the penetrating party, though. If the receiving partner wants to absorb a little of that work, grabbing onto the side of the bed to stabilize the body against their partner’s thrusts will make this position easier on them. And, as with most sexual experiences, you can make everything easier and more fun by adding a little extra lube to the party!

A Side of 69

2 lovers lie side-by-side in a 69 position for oral sex
Everyone gets to lie down in this XXXtra relaxing position!

Much like the previous position, this is a position that will have both partners lying on their sides. But in this variation, they face one another and are flipped head-to-toe so that each partner’s mouth has access to the other’s genitals. If you’re finding this causes unwanted neck strain, you can optimize this position by placing a pillow beneath hips, or under heads. 

Mutual Masturbation

Yes, this counts as sex! Anything that builds physical intimacy with your partner, and that you personally feel is sex, is sex. So maybe you want to get it on without anyone getting on top, or someone is on their period, or someone’s got an OB. There’s lots of reasons to enjoy what some affectionately call “outercourse.” I’m talking about this not-last on purpose, because it’s not a cop-out! You’re not playing baseball! You are experiencing and building intimacy with another person, so please abandon the base-running metaphors.

A petite model and a plus-sized model lie on their backs, with legs intertwined so their pelvises align. Both are using a Satisfyer sex toy as they gaze into each others' eyes.
The fact that we both own a Satisfyer Pro 2 should tell you how good this toy is at giving orgasms.

The benefits are so plentiful, where do I begin? Everyone gets to be in exactly the position that works for them. If one partner just got home from a job where they spend hours on their feet and their hip is sore, they can choose a supine (belly-up) position. If your favorite way to be seen fucking is from behind, you can choose an especially raunchy bent-over pose to show off your self-pleasuring skills to your partner. There is absolutely no pressure, because you’re working with the body you’re (probably) most familiar with bringing to orgasm. Perhaps, by watching, you learn something new about the way your partner likes to be stimulated, or they realize for the first time that hey, there’s something you like to do to yourself that they would like to try doing to you!

Finally, perhaps the most responsible reason mutual masturbation fucking slaps is that it carries the most minimal risk of STI’s. I will not betray facts established by medical science and say that the risk is as minimal as abstinence (I don’t know how close you’re sitting to your sex partner! I don’t know if you end up touching each other with the same hands you’ve touched yourselves with! I’m not hangin’ out in your bedroom watching you, even though that would be kinda fun!) but you are on my blog reading about sex positions, so I doubt that’s the advice you’re looking for, which is ideal, because that’s not the kind of the advice I give! 

It’s a Vibe, yah yah

In one of the most comfortable and accessible positions on my list, both partners lie on their backs with their legs interlocking so that the genital areas of both partners meet, and the negative space between them is filled by a vibrator or other toy. A plug-in wand of your preferred variety is recommended for power and equal distribution of sensation for you both, but you could fill that naughty space between you with anything that fits and will stimulate the bits. 

A petite model and a plus-sized model lie on their backs with their pelvises aligned for tribadism, and a magic wand vibrator fills the space between them, stimulating both their clits.
Plenty of opportunity to grind against your partner by pulling them closer if you grab their legs 😉

There are plenty of variations on this, the most intimate being another side-lying position wherein you and your partner are facing each other with legs intertwined and the vibrator fills the space you find there. Roll around on the bed a bit with it between you and see what you can find that takes you both all the way home. 

If possible, a mirror added to the ceiling above two lovers in this position (or maybe you can just find a a hotel with this feature!) can greatly enhance the visual experience for both parties.

SAFETY NOTE: if you are using a plug-in wand, be mindful of your positioning and the pressure applied to the vibrator, or you could end up like that video I saw in 2014 of the webcam girls grinding with a Magic Wand between them when it broke and started SHOOTING SPARKS. I cannot find this video. Believe me, I tried. To avoid this, maintain positions between you and your partner that don’t put the pressure of your body weight on the wand! This is why I suggest you both lying on your backs, or on your sides face-to-face. If you get really into this position, the temptation to get on top and grind could be irresistible, but I’m certain you’d rather have a hot and sexy time than a hot and fiery and awkward-conversations-with-your-neighbors-while-the-fire-chief-judges-you time. 

Lead Me To The Cross

(That one’s for the other bitter former-evangelical freaks reading my blog.)

A petite model and a plus-sized model wearing a strap-on harness lie perpendicular to one another, hands clasped. The harness is aligned to penetrate the petite model, who rests their legs across the plus-sized model's body.
Make a cross with your bodies… just don’t do anything holy while you do.

So simple, you’ll be shocked you didn’t think of it, or perhaps you forgot it. This is a penetrative position with the receiving party lying on the back with their knees bent, and the person who described this position to me said, “(the receiving partner) makes a tent with their legs for (the giving partner)” and I thought that was so cute. The person doing the penetrating should lie on their side, perpendicular to their partner, and penetrate from there.

Sexy Fact:

While we were shooting the nude version of this position with actual fucking (which you can see by subscribing to my OnlyFans!) Phoenix let out the cutest little whimper and said, “Okay, that’s about enough, I can’t finish (yet),” and honestly? I was only about 7 strokes in.

Whether that’s about the “Cross” position, or my incredible ability to throw dick, or Phoenix being a naughty little slut who loves to take pipe, I can’t really say. All I know is that I had a lot of control of depth of penetration, it didn’t take much work to do, and there’s also a very creamy picture of Phoenix that I took right after we were done shooting this position! You can find that shot on Phoenix’s OnlyFans exclusively!

Y Muchos Mas

Obviously this brief article does not contain the full library of sex positions you can enjoy without breaking a sweat. I’ve selected a few of my tried-and-true favorites to tell you about/remind you are possible. Do you have a favorite you want to share with me and my many tens of readers? (Honestly… that’s an ambitious figure.) Leave me a comment and tell me all about it. Reading and reporting these is hot as hell.

Til next time, happy loving!

xo, Kay

A petite model and a plus-sized model wearing a strap-on harness with a dildo attached lie perpendicular to one another, demonstrating a penetrative sex position where the receiving partner's legs rest on the giver's body. A realistic dong can be seen between the petite model's legs.
Nice job reading to the end. Here’s one of the pics where my dick is showing! You’re welcome!

The Signs as Impact Play

Astrology haters, fuck off! Grow a sense of humor and a little spirituality and find out which of these spanking tools you should try next in your bedroom adventures.

Aries (March 21–April 19) – A Long Leather Paddle

This is the kind of paddle you can hear whistling before the crack… just like a campfire.

A lengthy, broad paddle with plenty of handle and a little bit of heft. Perhaps it’s red, or pink, or it’s got some sexy studs in rows on the back. It packs a wallop, but it’s aesthetic enough to hang on the wall. It was expensive… For your ex.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) – A Wooden Spoon

Taurus loves an implement they can pick up from the kitchen. Photo by Tara Winstead from Pexels

Old reliable, no-frills, almost always available no matter whose kitchen you’re in, and as an added bonus, you can grab a snack from the fridge on your way back from grabbing a spanking tool. What more could a Taurus ask for?

Gemini (May 21–June 21) – Double-Ended Dildo

They may also cry, “I HAVE! THE POWER!!!” as they lift it over their heads. Geminis, man. Photo from

In an effort to not get out of bed and break up the mood, Gemini reaches for the double-ended dildo you’ve been using and starts spanking with it. To your surprise, it’s delightfully thuddy, and Gemini will play it off like they planned it (they did not.)

Cancer (June 22–July 22) – Bare-Handed Spanking

blue and orange light projeced on left hand of person
The original spanking tool! Can’t beat a classic. Photo by Valeria Boltneva on

You’ll never be without it, and nothing beats the sheer intimacy of skin-to-skin contact. Cancer likes a personal experience, and if they’re going to open that shell up to you on a kinky level, you’ve got to make it worth their time. A bright red handprint left upon the ass is a great way to say, “I love you.”

Leo (July 23–August 22) – Bejeweled Riding Crop

Ooh, shiny. Just like your Leo partner!

As precise as it is shiny, the crop can be used on so many of your body parts that it inherently speaks to the all-consuming nature of Leo. Being that Leo’s enjoyment of things in the bedroom is inextricably tied to how cute or shiny they are, the jeweled handle is simply a requirement. The good news is, though the crop really cracks, Leo’s wisdom will keep it right where you want it.

Virgo (August 23–September 22) – A Ruler

They might also use the ruler to remind you how big their hands/other things are (and perhaps their egos) Photo by Anna Tarazevich from Pexels

A budget-friendly, precise tool for schoolmarm-type spankings, because Virgo is a stereotype. Why would Virgo ever spend money on that kind of thing when you can repurpose household items, and then every time Virgo runs their hands over the tool, or uses it in front of you, they can take such a thrill in making you shiver without even speaking?

Libra (September 23–October 23) – The Kitty Whip by Savage X Fenty

Too bad it’s sold out! This is an astrology post, I’m not trying to sell you anything, just trying to roast Libras a little bit. Photo from Savage X Fenty.

Is it kind of overhyped? Probably, but Libra likes a name brand, especially when that name is Rihanna’s. It’s of excellent quality, which is essential when you’re getting a toy to use on Libra, or to allow Libra to use on you. They’ll know what you spent on a toy as soon as it’s in their hands, and the judgement will be swift. Let’s hope you passed the test!

Scorpio (October 24–November 21) – Belt

Scorpio is kinky, but not always creative when it comes to their play. Good thing ol’ reliable here always brings the fun!

Scorpio likes that you can obtain a kink instrument by passionately undressing. Stand aside as they whip off their belt, either to brandish it at you or present it to you, and let them have that moment of kinky pageantry; It’s a turn-on for them. They also like that the belt doubles as bondage.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21) – Impression Paddles

Hot tip: you can make these show up more readily by icing the area to be spanked before impact. You’re welcome, bottoms.

Not only does Sagittarius love spankings, but they also love for everyone else to know that they love spankings. Nothing screams “big sexy show-off” like a bright red ass imprint that says “SLUT” so Impression Paddles are the secret to feeding this massive ego.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19) – $10,000 Bundle of Hundred-Dollar Bills

Look at that bundle on the right and tell me you wouldn’t like to hear that stack collide with some booty-meat. Photo by One Man’s Blog.

Just slap the ass with the whole stack. Capricorn isn’t shallow for chasing that dollar, they’re practical. So rack it up and rubber band it, and make the physical equivalent of stability, security, and Jimmy Choo shoes into an impact play instrument that will have your Capricorn entertaining the idea of deleting their Seeking Arrangement profile.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18) – A Rolled-Up Newspaper

Oh no! Whadja do??

Aquarius has been naughty. So naughty, we’re not even going to the sex store. Grab that daily classified and give them a good swat, and then make them go and think about what they did. Bad Aquarius!

Pisces (February 19–March 20) – This Incredible Fucking Paddle I Found on Etsy

Have you ever seen anything cuter in your whole goddamn life? Buy me this at once before I perish. It’s right here.

Not gonna lie to you, folks. You’re reading a little bit of biased journalism here. I, a Pisces, just really like this paddle, and I want you to buy it for me. Come on, it’s mermaid-shaped and shiny. It is so me, as well as being so Pisces. I know I said I wasn’t trying to sell you anything, I promise that’s still true. I’m trying to get you to Daddy the fuck up and buy this for me, and as an added bonus, you’ll support Fantasies in Leather as small creators based out of Atlanta, GA. It’s a win-win all around.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this crackpot astrology post, and I hope you like whatever you ended up with from your sign! Unless you’re Aquarius. You know what you did, Aquarius. If you don’t resonate with the result you got from your sun sign, maybe look for the spanking tool generated by your rising sign and see if that fits better.

Happy Loving!



Anal Prep School: Are YOU Ready for Buttsex?

“Kay,” you run up to me, breathless. “Kay, I need your help.”

I’m reclining on a fainting couch wearing 7-inch heels, eating a popsicle in an egregiously sexual way, while 3 men who might as well be 3 lab-produced clones of reality TV star 12-Pack wearing condiment costumes (mustard, relish, and… ketchup, fuck you, Chicago) attend to my every need while trying and failing to conceal their visible arousal.

Reality TV star 12-Pack, in case you did not know.

“Yes, child?” I ask, lazily and sexily.

You take a moment to catch your breath; you really hauled ass getting here. You look confused once you finally take this whole scene in. “Why are they–”

“It is none of your concern.” I raise my eyebrows imperiously and you shut the hell up. “What have you come for?” I ask.

“I need to prepare for anal sex,” you say.

I raise my hand and my costumed man-toys stop their tasks and snap to attention. With a dismissive gesture, I clear them from the room, the sound of their cheap condiment costumes swishing as they leave. I rise from my fainting couch in a single motion and whatever dramatic, flowing thing I’m wearing billows behind me. I glance in a tiny mirror mounted upon the wall, which is actually a retina scanner. It recognizes me and the wall slides open to reveal a hidden staircase leading down into darkness. I turn to you.

“Come,” I say. “We have much to discuss.”

I thought this was a sex advice blog, what the hell is all this?

“Quiet,” I bark. You’re still reading this blog post and you have no choice but to follow behind me, down this winding staircase as the steps light up under my feet. “This is my blog and if I want to be a demanding sex goddess with fuckboy manservants and a secret, high tech erotic laboratory in order to teach you about buttstuff in second-person POV, I shall.”

We enter my lair and sit at a stylish table with two chairs at a window overlooking a motherfucking waterfall. Another hot servant with great titties, a messy bun, and glasses serves us both tea, and then enthusiastically presents their ass to me for a squeeze before leaving with a coquettish giggle. This is all very silly, but between the smell of hot tea, the view, and the privacy, you’re starting to relax a little. You’re still anxious to access my abundant wisdom about anal sex. 

“So do I need to do an enema or what?” you ask.

I stir my tea for a little bit before I answer you carefully. “You technically do not need to do anything to prepare for anal sex.”

You’re really starting to regret coming here for the first time ever. “Okay but… butt. Poop.” You really don’t know what else to say to get your point across without being gross, because being gross is my job and you were hoping I’d go there so you wouldn’t have to.

I shrug. “Yeah. You should definitely use the bathroom before you get going. Making sure you’re… empty is never a bad idea. But there are a couple of anal prep steps that come before that one.”

“Like numbing my butthole so it doesn’t hurt, right?” You offer eagerly.

My stirring stops and the silence that replaces the soft scrape of the spoon meeting the cup is somehow more noticeable than the sound. After a small pause, I lay the spoon on a napkin on the table and take a sip of my tea. When I’m done, I meet your eyes with a gentle, non-judgmental smile.

“Like asking yourself why you would use a numbing agent to accomplish something you would, I assume, like to do for sexual pleasure,” I say.

“Because my partner wants to do it and I said yes and everything I know about anal sex comes from TV and the jokes my friends make about it,” you respond a little too honestly.

I take another long drag of my tea and set it down on the table. “Ope,” I say softly.

Why Are You Trying Anal?

Alright, back to blog format. Wasn’t that at least more fun than the rambling stories about someone’s family you have to slog through to get to a recipe on a mommy blog?

I don’t actually want to teach you how to prep your butthole til I’m sure you’ve prepped your mind…hole. Yikes, wow, I’m sorry I said that, let’s never speak of that again. What I’m trying to say is I want you to make sure you’re getting into this because it’s something you want to experience, and not only a favor you’re doing for your partner. Of course, you might be willing to try it because they brought it up and you wouldn’t have thought of it otherwise, and that’s totally okay! What I’m getting at is this: As the person whose butt is being traversed, your pleasure is a required part of this experience with your partner.

enamored young hispanic couple hugging on street with closed eyes
Pleasing your partner is fun, but your pleasure is important, too! Photo by Budgeron Bach on


Yeah, that was a stretch. And I can’t deny that stretching is part of anal play! You are about to ask your butthole, which is a sphincter made to push things out, to relax and allow something inside; it’s a delicate body part and you should ask it to do this as politely as you can. Done too quickly, or with too little lubrication (which the anus does not produce on it’s own, thank goddess), it can be painful. But it just doesn’t have to be, and it shouldn’t! Anal sex should not hurt the person who is receiving it! 

We’ve learned a lot of untrue things from TV and movies! Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash

I know I’m not the first person to tell you that things you see in movies and TV are fake, that is a tired and non-specific perspective. I also know from my career in the adult industry, both in retail and in performance, that too many average, well-intentioned adults took the jokes seriously. It doesn’t help that companies have followed the trend of demand created by this misinformation and continue to produce products for the purpose of numbing the anus for anal sex. 

How are we ever supposed to know that pain-free anal sex is possible when it wasn’t taught to us and we were discouraged from asking about it in sex ed? Doesn’t seeing something called “Anal-Eaze” (cherry flavored!) on the shelves of your trusted adult supply store validate the jokes your dumbass friend Jake or Josh or whatever his name was told you in high school? Then you watched Deadpool in 2016 just like everyone else, and everyone laughed at the part where Ryan Reynolds writhes in pain while getting pegged by the love of his life, yet another reminder that anal sex is a chore.

We really did that together, as a society. We chore-ified anal for the receiver. We ruined it, made it unsexy and unpleasant. We made it into a root canal.

Open wide! Photo by Yusuf Belek on Unsplash

No, really! We made it into something we do because someone else said we must, usually annually (perhaps on someone’s birthday), and we gotta numb up or it’s going to suck. Am I talking about getting my… cavities filled? Or am I talking about DENTAL HYGIENE? 

Let’s set the record straight

We just can’t trust movies and TV to inform our sex lives in this way. We must instead rely on hot, thick internet sluts such as myself to blog the truth and liberate us all. I took the first brave and sexy step by writing this. You’re taking the next step by reading it.

Anal sex is not just about a penis receiving extra pleasure because the hole is tighter and the concept is kinkier. It’s about how, if the person getting penetrated has a prostate (often affectionately called the “P-spot”), pressure in the right place feels incredible. It’s about the fact that the clitoris is NOT simply a bead tucked behind the folds of the labia, but ALSO an internal structure situated in the pelvis that might enjoy stimulation from the pressure that comes from anal sex. For anyone at all, the feeling of “fullness” that comes from anal sex can be exciting all on its own. 

Receiving anal sex can be fun! It’s not bad or embarrassing or shameful to want or act on this desire. It is not dangerous or harmful to your body if you take your time, and communicate clearly with a trusted partner.

Spicy Take: You don’t have to be open-minded

Did I stutter? This is kind of an unusual subheader for a “sex-positive” blog, but hear me out. 

Sometimes these advice columns around anal sex leave me with a bad taste in my mouth with their gentle admonishments around “relaxing” and “staying open to possibilities.” Certainly the information they contain about going slowly, using lots of lubricant, starting small, and listening to your body (if that’s the advice you were here for, that’s it in a nutshell!) are important and true. But those articles don’t speak to the anxious partners who need a completely different piece of advice! Some folks really just need to hear that they are more than entitled to tell their partner, “No. I don’t wanna try butt stuff.”

You are more than entitled to say no to your partner. Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash

You don’t have to try anything you do not want to try. You are under no obligation to be open-minded about something that does not sound sexually exciting to you, even if it would make your partner so happy they immediately start shitting rainbows. You do not have to leave your comfort zone sexually to be a sex-positive person. You do not forfeit the title of “open-minded” by saying no to something you do not want to try. You can tell your partner no, and still love them very much. And if they’re a good partner, they will understand!

What if my partner DOESN’T understand?

There’s lots of good places for a partner who continues to pressure you for anal sex you don’t want to have! Some of my favorite examples include the door, the trash can, the morgue… hahaha I’m kidding about that last one!!! Haha!!!!! Am I????

Okay wait, I thought we were talking about numbing cream?

Yeah, I’m getting there. Don’t use that shit. If the shift in perspective I’m attempting to offer you (framing the anal sex-receiver’s pleasure as mandatory to this experience) hasn’t already convinced you that a numbing cream is antithetical to enjoyable anal sex, let this last bit sell you on it:

If you use numbing cream to dull your senses while being penetrated anally, you won’t know if your partner is going too fast; this greatly increases the likelihood of tearing your anal tissue.

You and your butt will hate that. You’ll ruin the sheets your mom gave you last Christmas and you’ll stutter when she asks about them during her visit. You’ll have to stand while working at your desk for a week. It’s not worth it– if you insist on coming home from the sex store with something new for your anal adventures, opt for silicone lubricant instead. It absorbs into the body less quickly and is generally more slippery! You can learn more about personal lubricant in my post about it!

Your pleasure is important. Your body is your own. The only reason to ever put anything in your butt is if you want it there. You have the right to decide what acts you engage in with your partner. 

So try it out! Or don’t. Either way, have fun, and happy loving.



Guess Who’s Available for Video Calls?

Uh, no, not Beyoncé, and now I feel like the real answer is going to be kind of a letdown after that? Damn, Tiffany.

It’s me! I am opening up my availability for video calls! This post is to announce my brand-new Video Calls page, where you can book an appointment for a private experience with me that can be enjoyed from anywhere in the world!

Back to my Roots! Kinda

My first foray into the adult industry was through webcam modeling. A few months after coming of age, I discovered I could make my own hours and build an income without even leaving my house, which was ideal for me in that time of my life. Not only did it give me stability… I also got a huge thrill from getting naked in front of a camera!

I could have hustled a lot harder, looking back, but I was enjoying myself and finding new and creative ways to share my girl-next-door sexiness with strangers. My favorite thing was to do private shows for regular clients! I gave virtual blowjobs, sensuous one-on-one shower shows, and even cooked topless and ate dinner with people from all over the globe. 

I haven’t a clue if I’ll return to streaming shows with any regularity at this point, though I am considering it. But plenty of folks lately have asked if I offer video calls, and after taking a couple, I was flooded with nostalgia. I still love the artistry and flexibility of private video interactions! And memories of glitchy Skype calls and carpet prints on my knees have faded from my mind enough that I’d like to start taking appointments for Virtual Sex again!

Rolls on rolls

Variety: the Spice of Life

Over the course of my time as a performer and as an adult retail worker, I’ve accumulated an honestly impressive collection of lingerie, props, and toys. Lots of them have appeared in my videos and pictures, but some have yet to make their debut!

My lingerie closet is crammed with colors, lace, and fishnets. Rihanna owes me advertising royalties for how often her pieces adorn my body (I am kidding, Rihanna owes me nothing, in fact we all owe her everything for blessing us with her presence on this earth). I’ve managed to find my perfect size in what I consider “the basics” when it comes to sexy roleplay. You know, your usual suspects: naughty nurse, sexy schoolgirl, college babe, slutty maid, pussycat, nasty nun, and even lusty Linda Belcher. That’s right, perv! You can make that weird Bob’s Burger’s wet dream you had “one time” into a sexy reality!

And my toys? My toys??? Just look at this handsome lineup of soldiers.

That’s a sexy selection of silicone!

Availability and Payment

I am currently accepting Video Call appointments on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays between the hours of 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. The likelihood of getting the time slot you prefer will only be higher the further in advance you schedule your appointment!

Acceptable methods of payment for these appointments include Cash App, Venmo, and SpankPay.

Deposits are not currently required to schedule a Video Call, but if you want to secure your time slot, you may send a deposit that will count toward the total owed for the appointment. See details on how to do this on the booking page!

Let’s Do This!

Hell yeah! So what do you say? Do you have a fantasy with me that you’d like to live out long-distance? Been dreaming of an FMTY and want to start getting to know each other? Now’s your chance! Visit my brand-new Video Calls page to learn more and fill out a booking form. Don’t be shy– tell me your fantasy in the provided space on the form so I can get my filthy mind to work and plan our incredible time together.

I’ll be in touch!



On Bisexuality

During some parts of my teen years, it was like I was on a mission to take every single existing “Am I Gay?” quiz on the internet. These were obviously very helpful and accurate tools crafted by other brilliant teenagers on deviantART and Tumblr and other such cesspools of budding identities and self-expression. The results were… varied.

I’m pretty confident the tests themselves revealed more about the person making them than the people taking them, no surprise there. I remember feeling a little battered by some of them, where the creator seemed bent on demanding I make up my mind instead of providing the middle option, the “both” option, the box where I check “all.”

I remember the first time I realized I was capable of falling in love with my best friend. Photo by Mahrael Boutros on Unsplash

The quizzes sucked and, unsurprisingly, couldn’t tell me anything about who I was. Because I knew I liked boys; I would pick one and fixate for months at a time, the way young teenagers do. But the quizzes couldn’t explain why I had this embarrassing tendency to fixate on certain girl-friends in the same way. I could accidentally imagine a whole life together with close female friends, where we somehow shared the same house and worked in the same industry and were… always together. I’d realize a decade later how badly I was repressing and redirecting these crushes.

I had a good reason not to tell anyone. I attended a private Christian school, and my enrollment could be at stake. Not to mention, according to what I was being taught, such willful deviation from God’s Plan (serious Drake fans, those teachers) could also jeopardize my soul. So I did what any queer child in a hostile environment does: I buddied up with the other closeted gays, did my best to Not Think Gay Thoughts, leaned into those boy crushes extra hard, and took Armand Goldman’s advice to keep it all inside (boy did I love The Birdcage! No reason at all, nothing to see here! Don’t look at me! I’m HIDEOUS!)

So I kept my head down. But not anywhere it didn’t belong, like between someone’s legs or something, God forbid. One day at like 16 it really occurred to me consciously, and I told a couple of friends, whom I immediately had to assure I was not confessing my love to them. It was always just going to be a secret, just an extra fact about me that wasn’t relevant because, after all, I could simply marry a man since I was still attracted to them. No need to worry.

I could have continued that way. I could have chosen to deny myself forever. But just a couple of years later I would step out of a literal closet and fire a confetti cannon to announce myself after years of hiding it all away. For a long time I had myself convinced that I was choosing the easier option by pretending to be straight and ignoring the way I felt about friends, coworkers, Tumblr girls I got a little too attached to…

In the end, it came down to just one thing: Was a life of pretending enough for me? Or could I be happier in honesty and fullness? I could find happiness doing what I was already doing, but what joy was I willingly passing up on to maintain a standard I never asked to be measured by?

So I came out. And I was suddenly very alone, because all of my Christian friends turned their backs on me. So I filled my time in gay bars, dancing and convincing folks to buy me drinks. I made out on dance floors. I came on fingers and hands in the bathroom and got so loud the bouncers came to shoo me and my fleeting lovers away. I got my car towed because I was so distracted fucking a married woman in her car that I forgot the parking expired on mine. I crammed years of youthful experimentation into a couple of months.

As I sit here, a little wiser now than I was then, within view of not one, but two people who love me very much, I’m so glad I took the journey I did. Because lying to myself and everyone else wasn’t enough for me. And I hope, if you’re finding this because you’re wondering if you are gay or straight or bisexual, that you ask yourself that question, too. Because you CAN have a good life pretending. But you can have a better life, a richer life, living your truth. And if you’re like me, I want that for you, even if I never meet or know you.

Happy Pride Month, my loves! Subscribe to my Onlyfans now to get ready for the smoking hot G/G content that’s coming to the feed! Here’s a little taste of what’s to come; I can’t wait to show you the rest!

Me and Phoenix Payn, demonstrating a comfortable 69 position. Onlyfans subscribers get to see the naked versions and exclusive behind-the-scenes footage!

Happy loving, my dears!


Whoever Designed This Sex Toy Owes My Eyes An Apology

Last week, I found myself ducking into the doors of a downtown adult store with my best friend, beelining for the back so we wouldn’t get carded at the door (I promise we’re of age, she just forgot her ID!) She had asked me to come along with her to help her pick out a bottle of lubricant and I, insufferable sex know-it-all that I am, was thrilled to go along. We found what we came for quickly and then we started to browse this rowdy, product-stuffed store for fun.

It had been more than a year since I had walked around that particular store, partially due to COVID, but mostly due to the fact that I try to spend my money at other local stores before this one. For one thing, we were bothered by another customer, who tried to interrupt our conversation to ask pervy questions. Even after I told him off, he was never more than an aisle away from us, listening to our conversation, which the local queer-owned shop I typically choose instead would never allow. Besides all that, this place has a massive metal box in the middle of its sales floor with a loud, gaudy animatronic homage to racism against southeast Asian people that invites you to get your fortune at top volume every couple of minutes. Minneapolis locals know what’s up. The biggest thing this store has going for it is selection– the inventory at this place is vast. So I find myself shopping there sometimes when I’m in a pinch.

Unfortunately, I think the variety of stock is to blame for the assault my eyeballs endured on this visit to the sex store. I found a number of things I was interested by, a couple of things I’d been dreaming of buying, and lots of things I’d rather not try. But I was especially struck by this magnificent piece of garbage.

What the actual fuck is this?

That’s a rhetorical question, for my poor eyes tell me everything I need to know about this toy. I used to sell something like this toy in the early days of my adult retail career. It was the same principle, except… without the penetrative feature. It was a vibrator that strapped on and provided stimulation to the clitoris, and as a cute feature, it was shaped like a butterfly.

How the hell did we get from that pretty decent original design to this monstrosity? If they had to add a penetrative feature to the original vibrator, why couldn’t it have been less realistically-shaped? Why the ever-loving fuck would you put a veiny, realistic cock on the underside of a butterfly?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m usually pretty into the way the butterfly shape is integrated into toy design, because butterflies are pretty, the shape of their body, wings, and antennae are kind of ideal for clitoral stimulation, and hell, my first-ever toy was the B*tterfly Kiss by Shmal Shmexotics, which I still stand by as a good first choice, but being older and wiser now, I would shell out a couple extra bucks for silicone if I were to buy it again. But this… is indefensible.

Imagine you’re sitting in a field. You’re in a long dress and a floppy hat. I don’t care what gender you are, roll with me. You’re sitting atop a picnic blanket and the wind plucks gently at your hair, and ripples the grass around you. A fluttering motion attracts the attention of your eye! You turn, delighted, because the only thing that could make this moment more peaceful and idyllic would be a delicate butterfly passing over you and your picnic.

You turn to look, and the butterfly has a truly honking sausage cannon dangling off its underside. A real whopper of a wang. Okay, wait, you guess the dick itself isn’t all that huge, it’s only a couple of inches long, but it is gargantuan compared to the size of the butterfly struggling to keep itself and its throbbing dong airborne. You probably don’t even have time to think that hard about it, since the trauma you incurred by seeing a butterfly with a sizeable erect human penis has immediately caused you to lose your mind and your memory. You pass out, come to, see the dickerfly (butterdick?) once more, and lose consciousness again.

Here’s my personal problem:

This is definitely one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. I am deeply offended by its existence. It is shocking and horrifying. And, unfortunately, due to the fact that I have truly terrible taste… I kind of love it.

I’m a big fan of camp, B-movies, corny things, hokey things, and ugly things. I don’t personally understand it, but it’s true. The more I roast this hideous toy, the more I fall in love with it. I do not want it enough to spend my own money on it, because that feels like losing to the makers of the toy, who thought making this was a good idea. It was not. It was a very bad idea. But it was an idea so bad, it now enjoys spacious rooms and luxurious amenities in my mind.

If I owned this toy, I might try using it for its intended purpose. If I enjoyed it, I would swallow my pride and it would join my toy drawer. But more likely than not, it’s going to turn into home decor, because I like to decorate my abode in ways that discourage family members from ever coming to visit me, and The Butterdick is exactly the kind of silicone sculpture I want sitting upon my hearth, watching over me and my pets.

Happy weekend. I don’t have any wisdom for you today other than to rant about the Butterdick, and you’ve been a real sport for reading this through. Please stay tuned though, because I have some incredibly hot content on its way to my Onlyfans subscribers. If you’re not yet convinced to subscribe, I’m betting the scorching hot photos attached to next week’s 5 Lazy Sex Positions might have you subscribing so you can have access to the naked, XXX versions!



Happy springtime from my garden to yours!

Personal Lubricant Basics

When I was working at the adult store, one of the most appalling things I heard one man say to another came from a best man to a nervous groom. The groom was standing in front of my lubricant shelves with a couple of bottles in his hands, fretting over different flavors. His buddy, as well-intentioned as a good friend can be, assured him, “Listen, you’re young. If you’re doing it right, you don’t need lubricant.”

I didn’t usually interrupt a customer, but I had to stop that guy right there. There are a lot of reasons why you might use personal lubricant during sex, and needing lube does NOT mean you are doing anything wrong. In fact, I think that deciding to purchase lube means you’re well on your way to doing something incredibly right. I validated this nervous groom’s concern, and did my best not to take a scolding tone with his little friend.

There are lots of reasons to use lube during sex! Perhaps you’re both a little intoxicated from wine at dinner, which can affect the way the body produces lubrication. Maybe you’ve undergone chemotherapy treatments, which can drastically reduce the amount of natural lubricant produced by the vagina. Maybe you’re ready to experiment with anal! If that’s the case, you’ll want lube because the anus does not produce its own lubricant. Furthermore, extra lubrication is a vital tool that can help reduce the risk of STI’s, because lubricated orifices are less likely to incur microscopic tears (yeah, not a very sexy sentence, but it’s one Hep B probably doesn’t want you to hear!) Whatever the case, there’s certainly no shame in using lubricant, and only endless possibilities to be found in what you can accomplish when everything is a little bit wetter!

But there are so many kinds! Brands upon brands, with minimal packaging, with sparkly packaging, promising individual sensations for each partner, guaranteeing they’re only made with natural ingredients. What is the difference between these many little bottles? And how do you decide which one (or two!) is right for you? 

There are three main materials out there. I’ll tell you about water-based, silicone-based, and oil-based, and what each is best used for, and I hope that can help you make a more informed decision for you and your lover(s).

Splish Splash: Water-Based Lube

Water-based lubricant is popular and effective! Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash

Water is as essential as it is abundant on our beautiful planet. It even makes up most of our bodies, which is why water-based lubricant is such an easy material to fall back on. Of all the materials, water-based lubricant is the least likely to cause an allergic reaction, and the most versatile in how it can be used. Water-based lube will not melt your silicone toys or stain your nice bedsheets. It is easier to clean off a hard floor than silicone-based lube (so I’ve heard). 

The downside of water-based lubricant is that it loses its slip faster than any other material. A few brands have engineered their product in a way that makes their formula a little thicker, extending its use, but when you use water-based lubricant, you understand than you might need more before you’re quite done, and it’s perfectly okay to reach for the bedside table a second time.

Water-based lube is ideal for solo play, partner play, vaginal play, anal play, oral play, manual play… the possibilities are endless with water-based lube. Just make sure you bring plenty of it along on your sexy adventures. 

Subscribe to my Onlyfans today to see some of my favorite lubricants in action with solo play!

Lube of the Future: Silicone-Based Lube

Choose silicone lubricant for extra slip… a LOT of it. Photo by Oscar Sutton on Unsplash

When normal slip won’t do, reach for the silicone lube. Silicone is a synthetic material that is indeed very safe for your nether-regions, and truly idea for anal play. Unlike water, it cannot be absorbed by the skin, meaning its effects last longer. That said, you will be feeling it when you wipe for at least a day after.

You will want to make sure you don’t get it on your sheets or any clothing you care about. You must also keep it away from your silicone toys, because they will melt. You read that correctly! Silicone lubricant will erode the surface of your silicone toys and you will be very sad and out whatever you paid for your very nice toy. Just use water-based with those and spare yourself the heartache.

Silicone lubricant is best for those who need as much slip as possible, and anal play. It tastes terrible, don’t like it unless you somehow find a flavored variety, but I doubt you will.

Not Just for Engines: Oil-Based Lube

Even the way oil sits on water tells you a lot about how slippery it can be. Photo by Sharon Pittaway on Unsplash

While not nearly as popular as the other materials, oil-based lubricant still plays an important role in the world of gettin’ it on. This lube will definitely stain your sheets so pull the ones you’re not fond of out of the linen closet, and you might wanna do that anyway, because oil-based lubricant really shines when it’s used for anal fisting. It doesn’t lose its slip and generally has a pleasant smell, which makes it an ideal option for this niche activity.

Oil-based lube will destroy your toys, do not use it with them. It will also greatly disturb the pH balance in vaginas, so I can’t say I recommend using it for vaginal sex of any kind. Its purpose is specific, but it does what its best at so well.

Bells and Whistles: Flavors, Tingling Sensations… Yeast Infections

I’m all for spicing things up, but some products are just a bad (and potentially painful!) idea. Photo by Sarah Wolfe on Unsplash

I’m gonna level with ya– that “his and hers” tingling lube you got at the grocery store? It’s garbage. Toss it. Don’t even ask her about it. I’m of the firm opinion that LUBRICANT does not need anything inside it that is going to tingle. If you want a tingling sensation, there are separate products with special ingredients for this. There’s simply no way to be specific about where you experience the sensation when your whole bottle of lube has tingling ingredients, and that sensation could be magic on a clit, but uncomfortable to use internally. Your bits are simply too sensitive to trust a grocery store brand to put anything tingly in stuff you put on them. I have a variety of other sensation play ideas for you that don’t involve a potential yeast infection, or possible triggering of an HSV outbreak. Just skip it.

With the right ingredients, flavored lubricant can be an exciting way to incentivize oral sex! Photo by Amy Shamblen on Unsplash

Flavored lubricant is a great idea and I’d love to kiss whoever thought of it on the area where one applies flavored lube. Just be sure, when choosing your flavored lubricant, that the ingredients involve natural sweeteners that are not sugar, especially if it’s going to be used on a vulva. Vaginas hate sugar; it’s why (men) say Megan Thee Stallion tastes like sugar, but ain’t shit sweet. Glycerin is just sugar in disguise, and if you’re trying to avoid pork products for dietary or religious reasons, glycerin is derived from bones that may or may not come from pigs. There’s better ingredients! Skip the Glyc!

There you have it. I hope this brief overview of lubes and what composes them helps you make informed decisions about what you put between your and your partner’s legs. Go forth and have slippery funtimes, and perhaps think of me while you do it.

Have fun and happy loving!

xo, Kay

I Control Your Hand and Your Dick

The following post is an erotic fantasy writing sampler containing elements of JOI, domination, brattiness, and the super hot contents of my dirty mind. If you like this sampler, the rest is available for your reading pleasure by following the links at the end of the post!

You can look at this ass, but I’ll still be watching closely to make sure you’re following orders!

I see you’ve come to me for your release yet again. You love so much to be in my capable hands! But this time, I’m not going to lay a single finger on you. That’s right. You’re going to prove to me how good you are at following instructions. Your hand and your cock belong to me, now. So you had better be out of your pants and in your underwear, and you better not have your knob out yet. If you do, put it the fuck away, what do you think you’re doing acting outside of my orders?

First, you’re going to show me one of my favorite things– I want to see your bulge before I see your cock. So trace the outline of your dick with your finger. Show me where the shaft is sitting, where the tip is. Squeeze the fabric around it so it stands out more. I love to see what my words are doing to you. Let it grow under my watchful attention. You love getting hard for me, because you know how much I love to watch.

Now you may take out your cock. Let it sit freely for a moment, don’t touch or stroke it just yet. Let me appreciate how it stands and jumps slightly at being seen. Move your hips, I want to see it move back and forth. Perfect. 

Take whatever lubrication you prefer and put it only on the tip of your cock. Play with the underside of the head with just your fingers. Tease your cock for me, as it gets harder and longs to be stroked, but don’t stroke just yet! Run your fingers up and down the shaft, because I know you want to reward yourself with your whole hand, but you’re not allowed, yet. You must be a good boy for me!

Your First Anal Toy

You’ve seen them in porn and heard about them in jokes about lost bets– butt plugs and anal beads. The final frontier for some of us grown-ups, but a well-worn trail for others. If you’re here, more than likely anal sex is new ground for you, but perhaps you’ve experienced digital/manual anal play (as in, maybe you’re playing with fingers and tongues but haven’t quite made it to penetration yet). Never fear, brave adventurer. Your favorite professional slut is here to teach you how to pick one out!

This post won’t address anal prep! You’ll have to come back when I’ve written that post in order to read it!

The Most Important Rule

Toys to be used anally must have a flared base in order to anchor the toy outside the rectum.
Here’s a toy with a flared base. The widest part stays outside the body and keeps the toy in place.

The first and most important rule about putting a toy in your butt is this: it must have a flared base. This means that the part that stays outside your body goes from very narrow to very wide, like in the lovely photo I’ve included here. If you do not use a toy with a flared base, you risk losing it inside your ass. “But Kay,” you say. “You must be exaggerating in some way.” I totally the fuck am not, my dear, horny friend. 

See, the anus is known amongst doctors, biologists, and other weirdos as an “open cavity.” This means that, unlike the vagina, which is closed off by the cervix and therefore nothing inserted inside can be “lost” (I will say, things can get stuck in the vagina, which is an important distinction here, and a conversation for another day), the anus is not closed off by any additional organs, and foreign objects can go missing unless anchored by a flared base. “But Kay,” you protest again. “Surely I can just poop it back out if this happens?” If you’re quick, yes! But if you’re enjoying yourself, or you panic, or you change positions, or or or any number of things! Wouldn’t you rather just start off with a flared base, like you’re supposed to, and have a worry-free sexual experience? I rest my case.

Where To Find One

In a changing world, the only real constant is e-commerce. Here are my favorite small shops in the business of pleasure, discreetly shipping their responsibly-crafted adult wares to your home.

  • Smitten Kitten Located in my beautiful home of Minneapolis, Minnesota, this vibrant, queer-owned and operated toy store has my favorite selection. Their inventory contains the best of the toys in the industry, from the smallest of silicone-pourers to the newest in sex technology. I can’t wait for their retail shop to open up again! I miss browsing in their warm, friendly atmosphere.
  • Spectrum Boutique This Detroit-based toy shop has both a vast collection of carefully-curated toys and an advice column that is so worth reading. Only follow this link if you want to also lose a couple of hours reading their amazing content. But first, browse the shop. They’ve probably got the perfect first anal toy waiting for you, ready to ship!
  • Beauglyful Holy aesthetic. This is my favorite naughty Etsy shop. If you’re the type of person who keeps their sex toys out as decorations and you want synchronicity in your tools, shop with this fabulous store.

Okay, So What Do I Look For?

Sex toys are made of a wide variety of different materials, some far safer to use in your body than others. Here are the three main categories of toy materials, and what I suggest to look for, and what I suggest you avoid!


Silicone toys are soft to touch, easy to clean, and durable.
Silicone is a soft, body-safe material that feels a little like skin, and looks like this. Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels

Medical grade silicone is safe for your body because it is non-porous and of the safe material squad, feels the most like skin. It’s probably the most popular thing to find butt plugs and anal beads made of these days, and it comes in a variety of price points, though you’ll find the vibrating variety is spendier. I have plenty of silicone toys and use them frequently, but silicone isn’t actually my favorite anal material…


Glass toys are non-porous and body-safe.
I’m of the strong opinion that your sex toys should be pretty, because it is a standard we have of the humans with whom we attempt orgasm. Photo by Gwen Mamanoleas on Unsplash

Here’s my favorite anal toy material. As safe for your body as they are pretty and versatile in use, I think of glass as the premium toy for booty exploration. But the real reason I love using glass toys? You can safely use silicone lubricant with glass toys, which sets it apart from silicone toys. Never heard of the silicone lubricant rule? Read all about it in my lube post here!

The Bad Shit

Don’t trust this blurry lady and her shoddy anal beads! I sure hope C4l Exotic5 doesn’t find my blog!

Skip it. Yes, it’s cheap, yes, the girl on the package looks as innocent and new to anal as you are. Ignore her. She sells you lies made of suspicious plastic with so many microscopic holes to hold bacteria inside. Turn away. Find another material.

But what else do I want out of a first toy?

As with anal play of any kind, the best advice remains to Go Slow. If this is your seminal foray into butt stuff, find yourself a plug which is no thicker than the girth of three of your fingers together. This way, you have the ability to work yourself up to accommodating the toy manually, and reduce your risk of injury. If it’s within your budget to do so and you’re feeling ambitious, seek out an anal training set, which usually contains 3 plugs of different sizes to allow you to work your way up gradually.

Starting with multiple plugs of different sizes is a good idea, in case you like it enough to keep going!
Starting out with a couple different sizes is a good idea! Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels

Don’t get hung up on fancy toy features just yet. In fact, with your first anal toy, I would encourage you to even skip the vibrating ones. No, really! For some folks, the enjoyment of anal play comes from the feeling of being filled alone, and the extra movement is… overwhelming. Try a static (non-vibrating) toy first. If you are a person with a prostate, some of the most stimulating toys designed for your body are simply shaped to place pressure on the prostate, and many folks find that does the job just fine.

If you’re planning on solo play, I would further recommend checking out ergonomically-shaped anal toys. Designs that allow stimulation through internal flexing alone are an incredibly comfortable option. There are also these plugs that feature a bottom that allows you to rock against a hard surface for added stimulation.

About Lubricant

Lubricant is an essential part of anal play.
With lube and patience, anything is possible! Photo by Deon Black from Pexels

You’re not going anywhere without a bottle of something slippery! The anus does not self-lubricate (so grateful, that would be gross) so you’re going to need to bring your own moisture to this backyard party. Yes, you can use spit… but should you? Only in a pinch, and if you’re buying a toy anyway, you might as well grab some lube.

You’ve got three options when it comes to personal lubricants, but only two when it comes to sex toys.


The most popular sort of lubricant, least likely to stain your bedsheets because water is washable! Thicker varieties of water-based lubricant are ideal for anal sex, because the downside of using it is that you’re going to need more when your body eventually absorbs it during play, and as with all sex, the wetter the better! A versatile and excellent option, but if you’re looking for performance and luxury, I gotta recommend…


The silk! The slip! Silicone-based lubricant is perfect for anal sex, because its synthetic nature creates as much slip as you need, and possibly then some. Unfortunately, you can’t use it with your silicone toys, because it will melt the finish, and that’s why my winning combo will always be silicone lube and glass toys for the anal new-cummer. 


Not today, soldier. There’s a time and a place for oil-based lube, but not with toys. Oil will also disintegrate the material of your beautiful toys. Save it for when you’re ready to take a real human fist.

My final piece of advice, specifically around my winning combo of silicone-based lubricant and glass anal toy: try to do it on carpet instead of tile. Slip is good, but breakage is real.

Alright, my pupil– you are ready. Armed with adequate knowledge and savvy tips, you will make the most informed choice on a first anal toy possible. I believe in you; have fun, and happy loving!

XO, Kay