Astrology haters, fuck off! Grow a sense of humor and a little spirituality and find out which of these spanking tools you should try next in your bedroom adventures.
Aries (March 21–April 19) – A Long Leather Paddle
A lengthy, broad paddle with plenty of handle and a little bit of heft. Perhaps it’s red, or pink, or it’s got some sexy studs in rows on the back. It packs a wallop, but it’s aesthetic enough to hang on the wall. It was expensive… For your ex.
Taurus (April 20–May 20) – A Wooden Spoon
Old reliable, no-frills, almost always available no matter whose kitchen you’re in, and as an added bonus, you can grab a snack from the fridge on your way back from grabbing a spanking tool. What more could a Taurus ask for?
Gemini (May 21–June 21) – Double-Ended Dildo
In an effort to not get out of bed and break up the mood, Gemini reaches for the double-ended dildo you’ve been using and starts spanking with it. To your surprise, it’s delightfully thuddy, and Gemini will play it off like they planned it (they did not.)
Cancer (June 22–July 22) – Bare-Handed Spanking
You’ll never be without it, and nothing beats the sheer intimacy of skin-to-skin contact. Cancer likes a personal experience, and if they’re going to open that shell up to you on a kinky level, you’ve got to make it worth their time. A bright red handprint left upon the ass is a great way to say, “I love you.”
Leo (July 23–August 22) – Bejeweled Riding Crop
As precise as it is shiny, the crop can be used on so many of your body parts that it inherently speaks to the all-consuming nature of Leo. Being that Leo’s enjoyment of things in the bedroom is inextricably tied to how cute or shiny they are, the jeweled handle is simply a requirement. The good news is, though the crop really cracks, Leo’s wisdom will keep it right where you want it.
Virgo (August 23–September 22) – A Ruler
A budget-friendly, precise tool for schoolmarm-type spankings, because Virgo is a stereotype. Why would Virgo ever spend money on that kind of thing when you can repurpose household items, and then every time Virgo runs their hands over the tool, or uses it in front of you, they can take such a thrill in making you shiver without even speaking?
Libra (September 23–October 23) – The Kitty Whip by Savage X Fenty
Is it kind of overhyped? Probably, but Libra likes a name brand, especially when that name is Rihanna’s. It’s of excellent quality, which is essential when you’re getting a toy to use on Libra, or to allow Libra to use on you. They’ll know what you spent on a toy as soon as it’s in their hands, and the judgement will be swift. Let’s hope you passed the test!
Scorpio (October 24–November 21) – Belt
Scorpio likes that you can obtain a kink instrument by passionately undressing. Stand aside as they whip off their belt, either to brandish it at you or present it to you, and let them have that moment of kinky pageantry; It’s a turn-on for them. They also like that the belt doubles as bondage.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21) – Impression Paddles
Not only does Sagittarius love spankings, but they also love for everyone else to know that they love spankings. Nothing screams “big sexy show-off” like a bright red ass imprint that says “SLUT” so Impression Paddles are the secret to feeding this massive ego.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19) – $10,000 Bundle of Hundred-Dollar Bills
Just slap the ass with the whole stack. Capricorn isn’t shallow for chasing that dollar, they’re practical. So rack it up and rubber band it, and make the physical equivalent of stability, security, and Jimmy Choo shoes into an impact play instrument that will have your Capricorn entertaining the idea of deleting their Seeking Arrangement profile.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18) – A Rolled-Up Newspaper
Aquarius has been naughty. So naughty, we’re not even going to the sex store. Grab that daily classified and give them a good swat, and then make them go and think about what they did. Bad Aquarius!
Pisces (February 19–March 20) – This Incredible Fucking Paddle I Found on Etsy
Not gonna lie to you, folks. You’re reading a little bit of biased journalism here. I, a Pisces, just really like this paddle, and I want you to buy it for me. Come on, it’s mermaid-shaped and shiny. It is so me, as well as being so Pisces. I know I said I wasn’t trying to sell you anything, I promise that’s still true. I’m trying to get you to Daddy the fuck up and buy this for me, and as an added bonus, you’ll support Fantasies in Leather as small creators based out of Atlanta, GA. It’s a win-win all around.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this crackpot astrology post, and I hope you like whatever you ended up with from your sign! Unless you’re Aquarius. You know what you did, Aquarius. If you don’t resonate with the result you got from your sun sign, maybe look for the spanking tool generated by your rising sign and see if that fits better.