“Kay,” you run up to me, breathless. “Kay, I need your help.”
I’m reclining on a fainting couch wearing 7-inch heels, eating a popsicle in an egregiously sexual way, while 3 men who might as well be 3 lab-produced clones of reality TV star 12-Pack wearing condiment costumes (mustard, relish, and… ketchup, fuck you, Chicago) attend to my every need while trying and failing to conceal their visible arousal.
“Yes, child?” I ask, lazily and sexily.
You take a moment to catch your breath; you really hauled ass getting here. You look confused once you finally take this whole scene in. “Why are they–”
“It is none of your concern.” I raise my eyebrows imperiously and you shut the hell up. “What have you come for?” I ask.
“I need to prepare for anal sex,” you say.
I raise my hand and my costumed man-toys stop their tasks and snap to attention. With a dismissive gesture, I clear them from the room, the sound of their cheap condiment costumes swishing as they leave. I rise from my fainting couch in a single motion and whatever dramatic, flowing thing I’m wearing billows behind me. I glance in a tiny mirror mounted upon the wall, which is actually a retina scanner. It recognizes me and the wall slides open to reveal a hidden staircase leading down into darkness. I turn to you.
“Come,” I say. “We have much to discuss.”
I thought this was a sex advice blog, what the hell is all this?
“Quiet,” I bark. You’re still reading this blog post and you have no choice but to follow behind me, down this winding staircase as the steps light up under my feet. “This is my blog and if I want to be a demanding sex goddess with fuckboy manservants and a secret, high tech erotic laboratory in order to teach you about buttstuff in second-person POV, I shall.”
We enter my lair and sit at a stylish table with two chairs at a window overlooking a motherfucking waterfall. Another hot servant with great titties, a messy bun, and glasses serves us both tea, and then enthusiastically presents their ass to me for a squeeze before leaving with a coquettish giggle. This is all very silly, but between the smell of hot tea, the view, and the privacy, you’re starting to relax a little. You’re still anxious to access my abundant wisdom about anal sex.
“So do I need to do an enema or what?” you ask.
I stir my tea for a little bit before I answer you carefully. “You technically do not need to do anything to prepare for anal sex.”
You’re really starting to regret coming here for the first time ever. “Okay but… butt. Poop.” You really don’t know what else to say to get your point across without being gross, because being gross is my job and you were hoping I’d go there so you wouldn’t have to.
I shrug. “Yeah. You should definitely use the bathroom before you get going. Making sure you’re… empty is never a bad idea. But there are a couple of anal prep steps that come before that one.”
“Like numbing my butthole so it doesn’t hurt, right?” You offer eagerly.
My stirring stops and the silence that replaces the soft scrape of the spoon meeting the cup is somehow more noticeable than the sound. After a small pause, I lay the spoon on a napkin on the table and take a sip of my tea. When I’m done, I meet your eyes with a gentle, non-judgmental smile.
“Like asking yourself why you would use a numbing agent to accomplish something you would, I assume, like to do for sexual pleasure,” I say.
“Because my partner wants to do it and I said yes and everything I know about anal sex comes from TV and the jokes my friends make about it,” you respond a little too honestly.
I take another long drag of my tea and set it down on the table. “Ope,” I say softly.
Why Are You Trying Anal?
Alright, back to blog format. Wasn’t that at least more fun than the rambling stories about someone’s family you have to slog through to get to a recipe on a mommy blog?
I don’t actually want to teach you how to prep your butthole til I’m sure you’ve prepped your mind…hole. Yikes, wow, I’m sorry I said that, let’s never speak of that again. What I’m trying to say is I want you to make sure you’re getting into this because it’s something you want to experience, and not only a favor you’re doing for your partner. Of course, you might be willing to try it because they brought it up and you wouldn’t have thought of it otherwise, and that’s totally okay! What I’m getting at is this: As the person whose butt is being traversed, your pleasure is a required part of this experience with your partner.
Yeah, that was a stretch. And I can’t deny that stretching is part of anal play! You are about to ask your butthole, which is a sphincter made to push things out, to relax and allow something inside; it’s a delicate body part and you should ask it to do this as politely as you can. Done too quickly, or with too little lubrication (which the anus does not produce on it’s own, thank goddess), it can be painful. But it just doesn’t have to be, and it shouldn’t! Anal sex should not hurt the person who is receiving it!
I know I’m not the first person to tell you that things you see in movies and TV are fake, that is a tired and non-specific perspective. I also know from my career in the adult industry, both in retail and in performance, that too many average, well-intentioned adults took the jokes seriously. It doesn’t help that companies have followed the trend of demand created by this misinformation and continue to produce products for the purpose of numbing the anus for anal sex.
How are we ever supposed to know that pain-free anal sex is possible when it wasn’t taught to us and we were discouraged from asking about it in sex ed? Doesn’t seeing something called “Anal-Eaze” (cherry flavored!) on the shelves of your trusted adult supply store validate the jokes your dumbass friend Jake or Josh or whatever his name was told you in high school? Then you watched Deadpool in 2016 just like everyone else, and everyone laughed at the part where Ryan Reynolds writhes in pain while getting pegged by the love of his life, yet another reminder that anal sex is a chore.
We really did that together, as a society. We chore-ified anal for the receiver. We ruined it, made it unsexy and unpleasant. We made it into a root canal.
No, really! We made it into something we do because someone else said we must, usually annually (perhaps on someone’s birthday), and we gotta numb up or it’s going to suck. Am I talking about getting my… cavities filled? Or am I talking about DENTAL HYGIENE?
Let’s set the record straight
We just can’t trust movies and TV to inform our sex lives in this way. We must instead rely on hot, thick internet sluts such as myself to blog the truth and liberate us all. I took the first brave and sexy step by writing this. You’re taking the next step by reading it.
Anal sex is not just about a penis receiving extra pleasure because the hole is tighter and the concept is kinkier. It’s about how, if the person getting penetrated has a prostate (often affectionately called the “P-spot”), pressure in the right place feels incredible. It’s about the fact that the clitoris is NOT simply a bead tucked behind the folds of the labia, but ALSO an internal structure situated in the pelvis that might enjoy stimulation from the pressure that comes from anal sex. For anyone at all, the feeling of “fullness” that comes from anal sex can be exciting all on its own.
Receiving anal sex can be fun! It’s not bad or embarrassing or shameful to want or act on this desire. It is not dangerous or harmful to your body if you take your time, and communicate clearly with a trusted partner.
Spicy Take: You don’t have to be open-minded
Did I stutter? This is kind of an unusual subheader for a “sex-positive” blog, but hear me out.
Sometimes these advice columns around anal sex leave me with a bad taste in my mouth with their gentle admonishments around “relaxing” and “staying open to possibilities.” Certainly the information they contain about going slowly, using lots of lubricant, starting small, and listening to your body (if that’s the advice you were here for, that’s it in a nutshell!) are important and true. But those articles don’t speak to the anxious partners who need a completely different piece of advice! Some folks really just need to hear that they are more than entitled to tell their partner, “No. I don’t wanna try butt stuff.”
You don’t have to try anything you do not want to try. You are under no obligation to be open-minded about something that does not sound sexually exciting to you, even if it would make your partner so happy they immediately start shitting rainbows. You do not have to leave your comfort zone sexually to be a sex-positive person. You do not forfeit the title of “open-minded” by saying no to something you do not want to try. You can tell your partner no, and still love them very much. And if they’re a good partner, they will understand!
What if my partner DOESN’T understand?
There’s lots of good places for a partner who continues to pressure you for anal sex you don’t want to have! Some of my favorite examples include the door, the trash can, the morgue… hahaha I’m kidding about that last one!!! Haha!!!!! Am I????
Okay wait, I thought we were talking about numbing cream?
Yeah, I’m getting there. Don’t use that shit. If the shift in perspective I’m attempting to offer you (framing the anal sex-receiver’s pleasure as mandatory to this experience) hasn’t already convinced you that a numbing cream is antithetical to enjoyable anal sex, let this last bit sell you on it:
If you use numbing cream to dull your senses while being penetrated anally, you won’t know if your partner is going too fast; this greatly increases the likelihood of tearing your anal tissue.
You and your butt will hate that. You’ll ruin the sheets your mom gave you last Christmas and you’ll stutter when she asks about them during her visit. You’ll have to stand while working at your desk for a week. It’s not worth it– if you insist on coming home from the sex store with something new for your anal adventures, opt for silicone lubricant instead. It absorbs into the body less quickly and is generally more slippery! You can learn more about personal lubricant in my post about it!
Your pleasure is important. Your body is your own. The only reason to ever put anything in your butt is if you want it there. You have the right to decide what acts you engage in with your partner.
So try it out! Or don’t. Either way, have fun, and happy loving.